I need your support

[daveuprite]

I need your support.

I am going for a world record and I'm tantalizingly close to breaking it.

It's the record for how much can be extracted from a 3 litre box of white wine.

I've been in training for months, but with the new lockdown I have a fresh impetus to crack this formidable challenge.

There are many skills involved. At first there's simple techniques like tap-turning and box-inclining. At which point some poor misguided drinkers just give up and return to the off-licence. Naive fools.

The cognoscenti of wine-box draining go further. Much further.

Initially we're looking at box ripping, which can be taught, but the grand-masters develop the strategy almost instinctively. As in Formula 1, the cry 'Box Box Box' results in a mad scramble to get through to the holy grail of wine-access: the BAG !

So now we're looking at the bag. There's easily a large glass left in there, and it's teasing us... 'Ha ha, we're in here and you're out there. Go on, just try and get us out - we dare you!'

So the challenge is set. The skilled and accomplished, but not yet entered into the wine-bag hall of fame, go for gravity. It's a strong plan. Since 1687 it has been a Newtownian assumption that the wine will flow down into the mouth waiting beneath. Just get that bag overhead, turn the tap and let it drop in!

But no. There is more to be had. Gay-Lussac and Boyle knew better. What the top professional wine-box extractors use is PRESSURE. They cut a small hole in the top of the bag and blow down hard until the tap is begging to release its final few millilitres of grape juice into the Guinness-record measuring flute which dangles there gasping for the last drops of input.

Which is where I implore you, dear ABR Forum reader, for sponsorship and moral support in my attempt at the record. Surely I can exceed 2997ml of chardonnay? With your backing, and sufficient training, I can push for that last few mls.

Text 'slurp' to DAVEWINO and you can donate a vital fiver to my campaign for global dominance of sauvignan depletion.

Thank you.

[Jak*]

I am worried now that due to Covid I have missed the opportunity to stock up my cellar (big cupboard) before the dreaded Brexit comes into force. The first lockdown drained all my resources and I have had to resort to Aldi. Cheers

[daveuprite]

I am worried now that due to Covid I have missed the opportunity to stock up my cellar (big cupboard) before the dreaded Brexit comes into force. The first lockdown drained all my resources and I have had to resort to Aldi. Cheers

Surely there are some splendid Aldi vintages?

Chateau Neuf D'Aldi ?

Veuve CliqueAldi ?

Pinot GrimAldi ?

[dave h]

I need your support.

I am going for a world record and I'm tantalizingly close to breaking it.

It's the record for how much can be extracted from a 3 litre box of white wine.

I've been in training for months, but with the new lockdown I have a fresh impetus to crack this formidable challenge.

There are many skills involved. At first there's simple techniques like tap-turning and box-inclining. At which point some poor misguided drinkers just give up and return to the off-licence. Naive fools.

The cognoscenti of wine-box draining go further. Much further.

Initially we're looking at box ripping, which can be taught, but the grand-masters develop the strategy almost instinctively. As in Formula 1, the cry 'Box Box Box' results in a mad scramble to get through to the holy grail of wine-access: the BAG !

So now we're looking at the bag. There's easily a large glass left in there, and it's teasing us... 'Ha ha, we're in here and you're out there. Go on, just try and get us out - we dare you!'

So the challenge is set. The skilled and accomplished, but not yet entered into the wine-bag hall of fame, go for gravity. It's a strong plan. Since 1687 it has been a Newtownian assumption that the wine will flow down into the mouth waiting beneath. Just get that bag overhead, turn the tap and let it drop in!

But no. There is more to be had. Gay-Lussac and Boyle knew better. What the top professional wine-box extractors use is PRESSURE. They cut a small hole in the top of the bag and blow down hard until the tap is begging to release its final few millilitres of grape juice into the Guinness-record measuring flute which dangles there gasping for the last drops of input.

Which is where I implore you, dear ABR Forum reader, for sponsorship and moral support in my attempt at the record. Surely I can exceed 2997ml of chardonnay? With your backing, and sufficient training, I can push for that last few mls.

Text 'slurp' to DAVEWINO and you can donate a vital fiver to my campaign for global dominance of sauvignan depletion.

Thank you.

being a Yorkshireman I'm unable to help with the fiver,
but from one wine slurper to another never stop trying to reach your goal

[daveuprite]

Thanks Dave. That really means a lot at this difficult time.

[MotoCP]

The method I’ve found most effective is to administer a bit of CPR.

The wine box tap has an uncanny resemblance to Shaun the Sheep, so with this in mind, hook your fingers under his ears, press on his head and blow up his mouth.

This will inflate his bladder and eek out any dregs from the nooks and crannies.

I’m also having a little bladder retention issues so I’ve suggested the wife could blow on my nozzle to relieve a bit of pressure but she’s having non of it.

She would rather relax and listen to a bit of VivAldi.

[sledgegreen]

Pressure will push out the liquid which has already got to the tap, but it won't do much to push all those little droplets on the inner surface of the bag towards the tap.

What you need is centrifugal force. Tie a string to the corner opposite the tap, and then whirl the bag round your head

[daveuprite]

Pressure will push out the liquid which has already got to the tap, but it won't do much to push all those little droplets on the inner surface of the bag towards the tap.

What you need is centrifugal force. Tie a string to the corner opposite the tap, and then whirl the bag round your head

This just to goes to show that if we work as a team, we can crack this. You are clearly a time-served bag man who has been boxing clever for years. With tips like this the record is surely within reach.

I was wondering if wine density might also come into play? Perhaps a thicker German desert wine, like Gewurztraminer, would respond better to the centrifugal forces of what we should now rightly call the 'Sledgegreen Method'. But we must keep this theory to ourselves in case other competitors get wind of it. Let them make the schoolboy error of reaching for light, crisp Pinot Grigiots and Sauvignan Blancs, while the ABR Team quietly squeezes an extra drop or two out of its bag.

[chunky butt]

Getting worried about you again Dave

[daveuprite]

Getting worried about you again Dave

Don't worry, Steve, just make a donation to the Appeal and join the team. As you can see, others have been kept awake by this issue too. Look at MotoCP - he's even tried to get his wife involved in the problem. I am not alone.

In the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king....