Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please.....

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
smudge
Posts: 132
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:57 pm

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please.....

Post by smudge »

Arthur 85 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.


The doctor says, Arthur, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?"

Arthur replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on.
When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," his doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Arthur's wife.

"Mary," he says, Arthur is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.


Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on
in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Mary. "He's peeing' in the refrigerator again!

:dry:
MidnightSerenity
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:13 am
Been thanked: 1 time

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please...

Post by MidnightSerenity »

smudge wrote:
Arthur 85 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.


The doctor says, Arthur, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?"

Arthur replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on.
When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," his doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Arthur's wife.

"Mary," he says, Arthur is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.


Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on
in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Mary. "He's peeing' in the refrigerator again!

:dry:
Mr Smudge....I laughed and spilled my tea!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
smudge
Posts: 132
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:57 pm

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please...

Post by smudge »

Thats good midnight :) .. try this one ...;)

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool , while on a business trip
and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth
near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a
lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all
the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well,
you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.


'Hello', the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
line.'

:ohmy:
MidnightSerenity
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:13 am
Been thanked: 1 time

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please...

Post by MidnightSerenity »

smudge wrote:
Thats good midnight :) .. try this one ...;)

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool , while on a business trip
and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth
near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a
lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all
the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well,
you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.


'Hello', the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
line.'

:ohmy:
That is funny!!! I liked that one as well!! Definitely a :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: rating!
Mark1961
Posts: 1369
Joined: Tue Sep 07, 2010 8:33 am
Has thanked: 3 times
Been thanked: 8 times

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please...

Post by Mark1961 »

I nearly wet myself when I first saw this;
Adventure motorcycling is a challenge for those who go but only a dream for those who stay behind.



growing old is compulsory growing up is optional!
MidnightSerenity
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:13 am
Been thanked: 1 time

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please...

Post by MidnightSerenity »

Sorry, but have to finish on this....Did you hear the story about the skunk?....Never mind, it stinks!!! :silly: Sorry....sorry....sorry!!! :)
CRAIGREVO
Posts: 4023
Joined: Fri Sep 24, 2010 1:57 pm

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please...

Post by CRAIGREVO »

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
CRAIGREVO
Posts: 4023
Joined: Fri Sep 24, 2010 1:57 pm

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please.....

Post by CRAIGREVO »

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'


'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'



'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'


'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go..'


'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'


'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
900Fantrider
Posts: 1464
Joined: Sun Aug 08, 2010 4:41 pm
Been thanked: 2 times

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please.....

Post by 900Fantrider »

Prof of maths sends wife text:-

"Dear wife, your 54 years old, you can no longer satisfy my needs so when you get this I will be in a motel with my 18 year old assistant, I`m sorry I will be home late!"

Wife sends reply:-

"Dear husband, you`re also 54 and by the time you get this I`ll also be at a motel with my 18 year old toyboy, you`re a mathematician so you`ll know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, so don`t wait up floppy knob!"
Too many Cagiva Elefants, Gran Canyons and Ducatis!
Azzalin SP and various others.
CRAIGREVO
Posts: 4023
Joined: Fri Sep 24, 2010 1:57 pm

Re:Request for some Light-hearted Relief Please.....

Post by CRAIGREVO »

900Fantrider wrote:
Prof of maths sends wife text:-

"Dear wife, your 54 years old, you can no longer satisfy my needs so when you get this I will be in a motel with my 18 year old assistant, I`m sorry I will be home late!"

Wife sends reply:-

"Dear husband, you`re also 54 and by the time you get this I`ll also be at a motel with my 18 year old toyboy, you`re a mathematician so you`ll know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, so don`t wait up floppy knob!"
:woohoo: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Post Reply

Return to “THE PUB”