A Joke you heard today

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Tue Jul 04, 2017 8:54 pm

>
> Policework.
> POLICE WORK CAN BE ENTERTAINING AS WELL AS DANGEROUS.
>
> Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old
> male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the
> night.
> The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was
> charged with lewd and lascivious b_ehaviour, public indecency, and public
> intoxication.
> Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
> from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
> "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was
> no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone
> around..." he stated.
> Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
> picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
> hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
> "I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
> embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice
> an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior
> Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
> 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda
> Taylor told the magistrate.
> 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
> Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
> Lawrence ....
> "I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?
> "Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then
> he looked me straight in the eye and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit – is it
> midnight already'?"
>
> THE COURT (AND THE MAGISTRATE) COULD NOT CONTAIN THEIR MIRTH.
> THE GEELONG POST WROTE AN ARTICLE DESCRIBING THIS AS 'THE BEST COME-BACK
> LINE EVER.'
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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Simon_100
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Simon_100 » Wed Jul 05, 2017 7:07 am

Tea, screen, damp cloth ...
Simon
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ollydog
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by ollydog » Wed Jul 05, 2017 7:20 am

dont get it, thought you where talking basic maintenance but sub tea for the larger
steve

Mike101
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Mike101 » Wed Jul 05, 2017 7:20 am

The Labour Party......best joke I've heard in years.
Mike
And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts

Simon_100
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Simon_100 » Tue Aug 22, 2017 8:28 am

This year's Joke of the Fringe winner - Nº1 - and a few others courtesy of the http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-40999000[url]BBC[/url]:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
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Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Tue Aug 22, 2017 9:45 am

My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.

..................

I've got a French stepdad.
He's my faux pa.

..................

After making some butterfly cakes I handed one to the wife to try.
She said, " Tastes really nice but what's this black thing."
I said, " Dunno? Probably a leg."

..................

An old Yorkshireman's dog dies so he decides to have a statue made out gold in remembrance.
He says to the Jeweler "Na then then can tha mek me a stature of yon dog aht a gold"?
The Jeweler replies "Certainly, 18 carat"?
" No yer daft bugger, chewin a booann" was the reply.

..................

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

...................

To avoid doubt I have this bumper sticker.
My wife's driving is not terrorist related.

...................

In the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches. Which means Britain should still have a functioning government.

....................

On a Ryanair flight to Spain a woman stripped completely naked and had to be restrained by flight attendants. Ryanair immediately charged all the other passengers a £256 'entertainment fee'.

....................

I've just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV.
The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

....................

During my marriage I never had to pay for sex...
During my divorce I learned I was actually on the lay away plan.

Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Mon Dec 25, 2017 7:31 am

London zoo fire: 4 Meerkats are missing. Anyone else think it might be an Insurance job?

Morph
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Morph » Mon Dec 25, 2017 9:59 am

IMG_3980.JPG
IMG_3980.JPG (89.32 KiB) Viewed 1063 times
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...

bill_qaz
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by bill_qaz » Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:11 pm

DOG FOR SALE :




A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:16 am

We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.
The wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

...................

Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife
The judge asks "why do you keep beating her"
Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork.

....................

Last night, I found a young homeless girl hidden among the bins.
She was dirty and smelled horrible, but I knew under that grime was a pretty girl.
I took her in and bathed her, as I toweled her down I became aroused.
One thing led to another and before I knew it I was frantically fucking her on the bathroom floor.
At one point I was banging her so hard, that you'd think she was still alive...

....................

What do you say to a Pakistani on Christmas Day?
20 Bensons & a pint of milk, please?

....................

Jesus was in a foul mood after shagging his new girlfriend for the first time.
She asked: "What's up with you?"
Jesus replied: "Oh, nothing... It's just really fucking annoying to hear a bird scream your dad's name while she's having an orgasm."

....................

Well that's embarrassing, My father walk in on me fucking a bird last night,He's not talking to me now because he says the Turkey's ruined!

....................

Christmas tip - Don't ask the lesbian couple next door if you can borrow their turkey baster.

....................

I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene.
Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theater needs, others that I ruined the nativity.

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