Team Incompetence at the 2022 Tamar Trial

[Richard Simpson Mark II]

Exploring the Bermuda Triangle on the Tamar Trial

By Richard Simpson

A period of intense rain after a very dry Summer guaranteed a slippery start to the 2022 Tamar Trial, in memory of Pete Cooper, and it was with some disquiet that I realised fate had dealt a comic blow to Team Incompetence before the event even started: Richard ‘Shaggy’ Simpson (Beta X-Trainer 300), Merv ‘Swerve’ Brown (Honda XR400), and Ben ‘Skyhook’ Watton (Honda XL185) would be starting as numbers 7, 8, and 9.
This meant we would be sweeping the sections of slime and wet leaves ahead of most of the serious competition: at least until the inevitable blunders make us fall back down the field.
An early start gives me the opportunity to ride my X-Trainer in the dark and pretend that I am in an MCC Long Distance Trial. Breakfast in the Proper Andsome café sees us catch up with the irrepressible George Godkin who originally hails from Ireland but lives in Bury St Edmunds. He’d not only ridden in a real MCC Trial the week before, but arrived in Launceston at midnight after attending the funeral of Phil Gunn, a stalwart of the enduro and rally riding scene back in Ireland. Respect!
Dawn breaks over Screwfix as we complete formalities, and off we went eastwards into the early light. There is an all-new start to the route this year, down minor tarmac lanes well lubricated with slurry, and with the morning sun shining in our eyes. Well it keeps us on our toes.
The first section, Tresallack, is also the first special test, and straight into the sun. It has a ‘target time’ of 25 seconds, with a restart half way though. Dazzled by the sun, I only realise that the restart line isn’t on the track, but on the bank at the side of the lane, at the last moment, and so drop a couple of points. But I manage to complete the section in 28 seconds. Congratulations to Andy Beveridge, who relinquished his Suzuki DR650 for a Honda Innova step-through, hit the mark at exactly 25 seconds, and won the Dunheved Trophy for his trouble!
Regrouping at the top of the hill, Merv confesses he’s missed the restart line altogether, but, overwhelmed by the sheer power of his XL185, Ben is three seconds under the target time!
The next two sections are a departure for the Tamar Trial being situated on private land usually used for 4x4 driver training: as you might expect they are muddy and quite a challenge on trials tyres. I drop a miserable nine points on the first, have a harsh word with myself and score a rather more acceptable three on the next. Still a section that most of the field managed to clean though.
Barretts Mill sees me drop an avoidable four where my partners in disaster remained clean, but I manage to clean the next section: Danescombe; along with the rest of the field. This was the easiest section of the whole trial, in spite of the restart.
Tanks Terror took us away from the steep lanes and onto a grassy bank section in a valley. There were various different routes for different classes, and I picked the right one and kept my feet up for a clean. Two clean in a row: things can only get worse!
My teammates both got a bit confused and dropped a mark each.
We trek over to Lew Woods, where there are two sections. Somehow, we managed to pass the Brownes (or Rickman Brothers as I dubbed them), who run a pair of magnificent Triumph 650cc-engined Metisses, on the way. They appear behind us as we are queuing for the first of the Lew Woods sections, and I gesture for them to go in front, saying I want to hear them climb the hill.
This was true, but I also thought those big, heavy bikes are going to shift an awful lot of slippery leaf mould for us.
Up they go, the old Meriden-built twins bellowing heroically. It all sounds very straightfoward.
Well, it was for them. The British bikes run straight up the car section: modern solos have a Dougie Lampkin style deviation twisting between the trees. Ben drops five points and gets further than Merv or I manage with six. Merv’s XR rewards him by having a hissy-fit and refusing to start after he stalls. The second and final Lew Woods section is easier. Everyone cleans it, with the exception of Innova Andy, even me. That’s just six points lost in three sections, either this is getting easier, or I’m getting better!
Off we go again, with just a short ride to Lee Quarry: again there are two routes, with the motorbikes on the tighter one. I confess, I get a bit lost in the woods and drop seven points here, which is seven more than everyone else except Merv.
We all know what comes next: Angel Steps, complete with spectators and a humiliating restart. I’m determined to do better than last year when my old GasGas refused to fire at the bottom of the hill until all the bikes and most of the cars had passed. I then nearly got collected by a car unaccountably coming back down the hill while I was on my way up and ended up being dragged to the top. The Beta is electric start, and the cars are all behind us, I remind myself.
I’ve watched some YouTubes of the hill since last year, including one where one of the Brownes gets his Rickman Metisse up relatively easily by picking a line to the extreme right of the track. The British bikes are excused a restart, but nevertheless, I reckon keeping right is the best line.
Except, this year someone has cut the hedge and the rain has accumulated all the debris in the rut on the right. It would be like riding through a compost heap with added thorns. Working on the great Malcolm Smith’s aphorism that “A bad line done good beats a good line done bad,” I stick to the middle as it will give me more space. All goes well until the restart where I find zero grip on the rock slab. Several attempts later, and with a helpful shove or two from the assembled crew, I get going again.
Merv confesses that he just rode straight up without stopping. Given the amount of energy and tyre smoke I expended, I’d say that was a wise move. Looking at the results, only Rom Dobs (Beta X-Trainer), Jon Mildren (Sherco X-Ride) and Leon Youlton (KTM Freeride) seem to have restarted successfully, so an average six points for the rest of us!
On we go. Next section is motorcycles only, and another for the Dougie Lampkin impressionists involving a twisty circuit crossing the same drainage ditch twice. It’s scored as a conventional motorcycle trials section so my ‘five’ equals a complete failure. Ben does no better, but Merv does well with a two on the unwieldy XR.
Next one is Park Impossible. Last year, I cocked this up entirely. This year, I entirely cocked it up! What went wrong?
Well, at the foot of the section last year I convinced myself it would be a nadgery ride through the woods, so set off cautiously in first gear. I then realised it was a flat out climb, applied too much throttle, much too late and looped out. I’d forgotten all about it until this year, when I managed a repeat performance. Ten points for me, and clean for all the other bikes!
Next year, remember, second gear from the start and give it hell on the run-up!
No matter, it’s lunchtime. Off we go, back into Cornwall. Team Incompetence refill at Launceston BP station, and one of our number has to be stopped from riding off with his sidestand down. Whoops!
Now for the best part of the day, lunch! Delicious pasties, cakes and tea at Tresmere Village Hall. There are even Cornish cream teas available. There’s also a GasGas enduro with a broken radiator which apparently resists all attempts at repair, and the unwelcome news that the second special test has been cancelled and the roadbook amended.
What follows is a wise decision, that goes hopelessly wrong. Merv says he will navigate his way to the next section, New Langleys, by using What Three Words.
Good plan, except the three words appear to be Bermuda, Triangle, and Mystery. We find ourselves in a peculiar hole in the space/time continuum somewhere between the Atlantic Highway and the Atlantic Ocean. Circulating in an ever-tightening vortex, we seem to collect more and more lost motorcyclists. One minute Merv’s phone tells him we are about to arrive, the next that our destination is 17 miles away!
Eventually, we break free, and arrive at what should be the New Langleys entrance, except the gate sign says Trevilla, which is the name of the section after. I piss everyone off by pointing this out, so we ride up the road a while, then Merv remembers that New Langleys and Trevilla are next to one-another and both accessed via the gate.
Sorry chaps!
To show just how sorry I am I humiliate myself by scoring eight points on each section…but the Bermuda Triangle effect is still at work as I see from the results that four riders managed the first section but missed the second…strange given their proximity.
I’ve got a long-range tank on my Beta, but I’ve no real idea how far it can carry me, and I seem to have used a lot of fuel in the Bermuda Triangle. So, I split off from my companions (I’m not exactly flavour of the month anyhow) and scoot off down the Atlantic Highway to refuel at Wainhouse Corner. From there, I know how to get to the next section at Crackington.
Going through the little settlement of Mineshop, I am alert for the vision of loveliness who saved the day for John Turner and me on the Lands End Trial last Easter, but there’s no sign of her. Around the corner, and Crackington is deserted. No competitors, and seemingly no marshals either. Have I fallen back into the Bermuda Triangle?
Marshals appear, and up the section I go. I’m confident of cleaning this one: I cleaned it last year, and I’ve since ridden it a couple of times without difficulty. So this should be a shoe-in.
Except, it’s not. I get the front wheel caught in some washed-down silt at the point where you have to go to the right of the tape, and fall off!
Idiot! Three points dropped.
I pick myself up and ride to the top, where I stop for a moment to kick myself. And I hear in the background the distinctive sound of Merv’s XR400 coming up the section…what??
How did that happen?
I thought I was well behind him after my fuel detour. Perhaps he got caught in the Bermuda Triangle again?
It turns out that Ben has taken a tumble and broken his clutch lever. Attempts to replace it with a spanner and some cableties failed, and he’s retired.
There are just two more sections to go, and the weather, which has been kind, starts to close in. The first Trehole section is an undulating path of slippery wet grass over slippery wet clay. It takes points off most of the field, but it’s only me and Innova Andy who drop ten!
Trehole 2 is the final section. It’s long and ends in a quarry. I miss the first of the yellow posts that I am supposed to keep to my left, which costs me six points.
Now it’s a dash back to the Frog & Bucket through steadily increasing rain to sign off and grab a quick bite before heading for home.
My not-quite waterproof riding gear manages to keep the wet at bay, and the rain washes the worst of the mud off the bike, so that’s a result!
And the real results show, that although I finished in the expected last place, I did at least get to the end, and that is some kind of modest achievement given there were four retirements from a field of 46 motorcycles.
Congratulations to Tristan Barnicote, who kept a clean sheet throughout to win the Dunhevd Cup on his Honda XR200, and Rom Dobbs who won the B2 class.
I’ll leave the last word to George Godkin. When we explained the Bermuda Triangle Mystery to him he pointed out with impeccable Irish logic that “What Three Words is great at telling you where you are, but not so good at taking you where you want to be!”

[Scott_rider]

These are my 3 words…

…Good Write Up

[Richard Simpson Mark II]

Every time I pick myself out of the mud I think, this could make a funny story!