Pedal, ya bastard...

Where you've been and what you done
daveuprite
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Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by daveuprite » Sun Sep 13, 2020 12:27 pm

Once upon a time (this morning) there was a bloke in advanced middle age, who decided to lose some weight and get a bit fitter. He usually rides motorbikes but chose to do an hour a day of pedaling on his mountain bike instead, just to burn a few carbs.

All was going well for the first few days of the new regime, until this morning he took a turn off his usual lane to explore a farm track he had never been down before. It turned out to be a dead end with just a farmhouse at the end. As he realised this, 4 large loose dogs emerged barking and started to chase him . He turned around as fast as he could, but he was stuck in the wrong gear. He had never been particularly fashion conscious.

So he now pedaled manically back up the track with four huge hounds in hot pursuit, including a rottweiler in pole position. Sweating like Gary Glitter's travel agent, he pushed hard in 12th gear as the rottie's mouth closed in on him. He nearly made it up to speed but then he felt the snarling beast wrap its teeth around his ankle, leaving 4 parallel scrapes and a canine puncture wound. One backward kick and some more desperate peddling and he was away free, bleeding like Dracula's bride.

He made it home, where much to his dismay his wife laughed a great deal and proceeded to scrub iodine agonizingly into the wounds, sniggering. He told her all about the seventeen slavering Cerberuses and his protracted fight for survival but she was having none of it. Right now he is taking his third pint of medicine (some people call it Kronenbourg 1664 apparently) and resting melodramatically on the sofa watching other far less intrepid cyclists take part in some kind of round france excursion.

He's sure that he has your heartfelt sympathy for his predicament and can expect a flurry of concern and get well soons.
Last edited by daveuprite on Sun Sep 13, 2020 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Godspeed
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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by Godspeed » Sun Sep 13, 2020 12:52 pm

Get well soon!
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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by Nico-D » Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:26 pm

Sue the feckers ! ...the owners not the dogs obviously :lol:

Yes dogs can be complete bastards when you're on 2 wheels, powered or not. The only time I've been bitten at least I had the protection of fairly thick klim dakar trousers .

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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by diggermanbob » Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:29 pm

That's as funny as Feck even made my wife chuckle and she doesn't know you :lol: :lol:

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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by daveuprite » Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:35 pm

Nico-D wrote:
Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:26 pm
Sue the feckers ! ...the owners not the dogs obviously :lol:

Yes dogs can be complete bastards when you're on 2 wheels, powered or not. The only time I've been bitten at least I had the protection of fairly thick klim dakar trousers .
So now he has to wear his Tech 3s every time he goes for a push-bike ride... ?

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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by MotoCP » Sun Sep 13, 2020 3:29 pm

Dave, your K9 encounter reminded me of my paper round days....

I had the longest Sunday round which involved cycling up a country lane to a farmhouse and my routine was the same process every time I approached.

I used to dismount, grab a left hand full of gravel from the driveway and proceed to the front door as quietly as possible.

I then turned my bike around to face the direction of escape, and with my right foot securely positioned in the leather pedal strap, I would post the paper and set off like my arse was on fire.
Without fail, on hearing the letterbox open, the resident Jack Russell would bolt out the open back door and come tearing down the gravel drive after me.

This gave me enough time to reach the narrow lane and position myself close to the fence on the right side to encourage the little bastard to chose my left ankle to nip.

Just as he was about to make contact, I would raise my left arm in the air and unleash a fist full of missiles with as much downward force I could muster into the face of my pursuer.

This had an instant effect and with a yelp the dog would let its prey escape unscathed.
The thing is, it never learnt and the process was played out every Sunday.

Perhaps it’s weekly amnesia was due to it’s constant state of concussion!

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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by daveuprite » Sun Sep 13, 2020 5:04 pm

MotoCP wrote:
Sun Sep 13, 2020 3:29 pm
Dave, your K9 encounter reminded me of my paper round days....

I had the longest Sunday round which involved cycling up a country lane to a farmhouse and my routine was the same process every time I approached.

I used to dismount, grab a left hand full of gravel from the driveway and proceed to the front door as quietly as possible.

I then turned my bike around to face the direction of escape, and with my right foot securely positioned in the leather pedal strap, I would post the paper and set off like my arse was on fire.
Without fail, on hearing the letterbox open, the resident Jack Russell would bolt out the open back door and come tearing down the gravel drive after me.

This gave me enough time to reach the narrow lane and position myself close to the fence on the right side to encourage the little bastard to chose my left ankle to nip.

Just as he was about to make contact, I would raise my left arm in the air and unleash a fist full of missiles with as much downward force I could muster into the face of my pursuer.

This had an instant effect and with a yelp the dog would let its prey escape unscathed.
The thing is, it never learnt and the process was played out every Sunday.

Perhaps it’s weekly amnesia was due to it’s constant state of concussion!
A great tale. I was a paperboy too. I grew up in Windsor. Yes, the place with the castle. Sounds idyllic, but there are a couple of rougher estates, which is where I lived. However I delivered papers into the upper middle class zones, so the bloody things weighed a tonne - especially on Sundays. In the late 70s those broadsheets got bloody heavy, with glossy supplements that I suspect very few ever read. I had a heaving full bag and the back rack stuffed with Sunday Times. Every house had its own gate and a gravel drive. Took ages to do the round.

And then I did a shift down the mine and several chimneys to clean in the afternoon....

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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by Seniorider » Sun Sep 13, 2020 5:45 pm

A good story, well told.
I was a postman for three years; I bear the scars - and a fractured wrist.
I didn't like being attacked whilst just doing my job (obviously), but I disliked the dog owners more. One woman even claimed that her German Shepherd dog had every right to chew bits off me, but I had no right to feed it biscuits in an attempt to keep the damn thing off.
She reported me to Royal Mail when I refused to put up with it.
It's never the dog's fault; always the owner. If a human did that to you it would be classed as assault.
I hope you recover quickly.

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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by MotoCP » Sun Sep 13, 2020 6:08 pm

Yes the weight of that Sunday bag nearly killed me.
It wouldn’t pass any manual handling risk assessment these days, even for an adult!

That’s why they use trolleys nowadays.

On the subject of aggressive dogs, my neighbour Terry, recently told me how he was walking his pooch along a local well frequented country footpath.

Another walker approached, who’s dog ran towards Terry’s and started being aggressive.
Terry therefore picked up his dog to protect it until the other dog was put on its lead.

The walker told Terry that he’d just finished reading a book written by a dog behaviourist and picking up a dog to protect it was the last thing you should do.

Terry replied.
“That’s all well and good but did your dog read the book too?”

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Re: Pedal, ya bastard...

Post by Nigel » Sun Sep 13, 2020 6:40 pm

Dogs hate bicycles fact! Alsation on a lead lunged at me from the pavement the other day but I knew what was coming!
Collie in a farm yard used to chase me up a track and to be honest it was a game until I wasn't in the mood one day, swift belt on the nose with a water bottle ended that game ;)
Never been bitten, maybe I can pedal faster :lol:

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